Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
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No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
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My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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