maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Randomize
