allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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