I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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