Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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