Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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