I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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