I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
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