Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
