May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
