I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
