how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
