I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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