Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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