fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I just sucked dick on a ferry
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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