have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
