Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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