i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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