smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Rumble strips road head = magical
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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