Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
