dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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