you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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