I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
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