i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
