i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
