Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
