If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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