I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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