On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
