Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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