all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
