Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
