with your own penis?
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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