She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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