So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
