he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
