Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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