I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
