currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
