Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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