I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
mondays should just be called national damage control day
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
