Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
