the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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