Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
