hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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