Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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