You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
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i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
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I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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