I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
