I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
