She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
