I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
