Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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