So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
