I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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