I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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