I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
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