Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I would ride that face into the sunset
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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