I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Randomize
